A post 6 months in the making

I am taking a cue from my friend Alicia's blog and going for complete transparency here and this is a departure from my usual fluff so feel free to stop reading if you want. Really you can stop because  to be honest with you, I'm scared. Scared of what others will think and scared to put pen to paper if you will, making my commitment to change that much more real. Why wouldn't I be? I like most people I long for the approval of others and have found alot of my identity in what others think of me.  Also, it's a tad intimidating because I know my family, friends and people I don't even know read this, so this is where I am, real and raw. The freeing part is that those who know me best know that writing is cathartic for me and honestly the lessons I have been learing over the past 6 months are to important not to share.

In passing I have said that about 6 months ago I asked God to reveal Himself to me in a way that I have never experienced. To remind me of what it felt like to really need Him. I have never shared why until now. Over the past year I have found myself growing complacent, in my spiritual life, my work life, my marriage and even in my parenting. Everything I was doing was without intention therefor causing me to flounder into a state of laziness, poor and sometimes irresponsible decision making and a general whatever attitude. The crazy thing is, I bet most people around other then my husband never knew this was going on. Why? Because I chose to "keep it all together". Not to tell others, even God that I need help! Obviously He knew so after a string of stupidity, the realization of my position and need to be broken became very apparent.

That brings me to the refining fire that has been the last 6 months. Holy moly, I knew that when I asked God for this it would be hard but I was thinking like rough day at the office hard, not stripping me of everything I hold before Him and breaking my heart for what breaks His kind of hard. It has been the hardest 6 months of my life, and I know pain is relative and there are people going through WAY more then what I am, but this is my pain and it is hard. But you know the best part, it's the best pain I have ever felt in my life, because I feel like for the first time in 30 YEARS I am allowing God to shape me into who He intends me to be. Amen? Amen.  Even better bonus, God has revolutionized my marriage and my attitude about work and is doing a number on 15 years of self esteem and body image issues.

I regards to my marriage, He took a hard time in our relationship and opened up the lines of communication farther and deeper then ever before, allowing us to talk through our individual struggles that we toss onto each other. Making us aware that for the past 9 months, after Landry was born we have just been phoning it in. Both needing more from the other that at the time we weren't willing to give. We also are working out what is our vision for our family. I'm not talking about career goals, school, etc. even thought that will someday be influenced by this, I mean what do we want the mission of our family to be. Those who know me know I am extremely driven by goals and this is just another way of laying out God's vision for our marriage and our children to keep our eyes on something bigger then ourselves. I have realized that I have the most incredible husband in the entire world. He extends me grace daily and I try to so hard to him as well. He loves me in my stupidity, self esteem issues and overall lifts me up to be better. He is holding me accountable to the boundaries we have set in our personal and professional lives in love and he always forgives. That's a big one, you know. Forgiveness, we can because we are. period. end of story.

I know this is a lot of information but I felt like God wanted me to do this to share what He has been doing in our lives over the past 6 months and trust me I know it is not finished, and honestly it hurts so good, I don't want it to end. There isn't one specific thing that happened to make this prayer for brokenenss necessary, I just got tired of being tired. Tired of trying to keep my head above water and for settling for mediocre in lots of areas of my life. I want great not good even and I can't do it, only He can.  I also couldn't let this transformation happen without capturing the key learning's for my kids. Ultimatly this blog is for them abd I want them to read this some day and know what a powerful and grace filled God we as a family serve.

1. Be real- Robbins and Landry, this world is full of "leaders" pretending to have it all together. What it needs is to see our need for a savior besides ourselves and the only way to do that is to live the name that God has given you and no one else. We can't let others opinions shape us because it will paralyze us with fear (i.e. this blog post) and keep us from accomplishing what He has put us here to do. This is my commitment to, as my friend Maggie has said, "Come Undone" and be ok with it. What I mean by that is to honestly ask for help when I need it and to be real with those around me about needed prayers and direction. So my answer might not always be fine when asked but it will always end with glorifying God in every situation. You have my permission to call me out on this:) You too friends and family.

 2. You are more then the choices that you make- Your past will no doubt shape your future but you can not let the choices you make good or bad be the definition of your life. He works everything together for the good of those who love him so even your bad choices become worship to Him when handled honestly and by biblical principals. Now don't get me wrong, there are real world consequences for your actions good and bad but it does not have determine who you are meant to be in Him. Again. forgiveness is a very powerful tool.

3. Love comes first- I have been heartbroken with everything that's been going on in our world the past 6 months, its interesting how sensitive God has made me to ministering to people since our adventure began. Shootings in theatres and mosques, fights about lifestyle disguised by chicken, political rhetoric that has no affirming characteristics whatsoever, just tearing down to tear down. I'm not naive or even idealistic, I understand that this is the reality that we live in but I have literally cried thinking about the missed opportunity the church (myself included) has had to minister to people who we wouldn't normally have an audience with and instead we spew hate and act like it's a game where there is a winner. The battle has already been won on the cross, it is our job to love people exactly where they are, just like he loves me exactly where I am. I wish a law or bill could fix everything but it can't. No matter what side your on but a change in gun laws, liberal or conservative doesn't change the fact that we live in a fallen world where people kill for no reason. We show Jesus to others by the way we love them first. Just like he loved Thomas the doubter, David the murderer and adulter, Miriam the gossiper, the impatience of Sarah and Martha for her endless worrying. Look no further then the bible to see the many pictures of sinners and how God powerfully used all of them to do incredible things. Good lord, he refers to David as a man after his own heart. A man who fell in love with a married woman and then had her husband killed, I mean who needs HBO with story lines like this!
Don't get me wrong I don't mix words about biblical truth, I believe what the bible says and I don't believe in apologetic ministry but Jesus didn't come to heal the healthy did he? I feel quite certain that I have never responded well to criticism or feedback that wasn't covered in love first. So when you see a friend Christian or not who is making choices that hurt themselves or others I implore you to call them out but it has to be in love and not judgement. I can tell you from experience, my ears are always open to tough love when the love part is bigger than the tough. You can love because he first loved you.

Robbins and Landry my prayer for you is that you find the anchor of who you are in Christ alone. Let Him define you, shape you and mold you into the incredible people He wants you to be. I am just honored to get to play a part in His bigger plan. Something I hope you cling to that a very talented writer once said was "Comparison is the worst, I pray that if my kids compare themselves to others it's not those who have more than them but less. So that they realize all they are blessed with and their immediate reaction is to not compare but to serve those people."

So if you have actually read this thing in it's entirely, I'm impressed because it is a heartful of feelings but I want you to know this is my promise. I am done, no longer can I let other people's opinions of who I am or who they think I should be define me. I am more then my material possessions and my reputation and I have to start living like that.  Check this awesome article out about this very thing. You know why? Because then I am not allowing myself to be the name God has given me, and after working through an intense study on God's names for us and lots of prayer and convos with the hubs I want to live the name, impacter. I have discovered through work and lots of private conversations that I thrive on seeing impact. Whether it's through serving people or implementing something that directly effects a group of people or just fixing a meal for a friend who just had a baby or trying to be the best wife and mother I can be. All of this is impactful at different levels and what make me feel like I am serving God to the fullest. I ask those of you that are my friends and family that you help hold me accountable. I am giving you permission to nudge me back on track, in love of course, if my words and actions don't align with what I have talked about in here. Again, I am scared because I realize that this is real and intense but I also CANNOT waste what God is doing in my life and my family right now. So prayers and encouragement appreciated as God continues us on this journey. I am prayerful that this is encouraging to anyone out there struggling with the reality of not having it all together and remembering that you are "beautiful my darling there is no flaw in you" and He wants us to live that way. Now I need to go take a nap, I'm exhaused. (but excited to push publish)